Last week, we discussed embracing change as a part of recovering from a breakup or divorce. Today I’d like to suggest a change which helped me tremendously – learning how to love yourself.
Yes, it sounds vague and empty. People always tell you that “you need to love yourself,” but they never tell you how to do that. Personally, I’m not sure half the people who say it know how to do it anyways.
In college, I had a roommate whose world shattered every time she went through a breakup. She always blamed herself, couldn’t cope with being single again, and ended up convinced she was at fault. Most of those breakups were with the same on-again-off-again boyfriend.
It wasn’t just the one roommate either. My second roommate was self-obsessed. She partied at least four nights a week, modeled for fashion photography, and regularly posted pictures of herself holding champagne and dressed to kill. Despite appearances, she was suffering from bulimia and feelings of low self-worth. She flirted with men for validation and then couldn’t figure out why they never stuck around.
The first roommate would get back with her boyfriend shortly after each breakup. It never worked out. The second lived in a cycle of obsession and disappointment with her boy toys.
Shows like Law and Order depict lawyers winning cases with confident arguments and saucy comments. However, charisma doesn’t make a trial lawyer successful – trial preparation does. Each case hinges on having the proper information prepared and having the right evidence to build on. Because lawyers prepare for trial behind the scenes, we don’t often see how much work goes into trial preparation.
First, the lawyer files their pleadings with the court. A pleading is a document that states the party’s position. In divorce, the lawyer files a “complaint for divorce.” If one spouse files the complaint (rather than both filing jointly), then the other will respond to it by filing answering pleadings. The lawyer must be meticulous and make absolutely sure they file the pleadings correctly. If they don’t, it will undermine the rest of their trial preparation.
After filing the pleadings, the lawyer begins discovery.
I think I am about to be sued for alienation of affection. While I am not really sure exactly what this is, I am sure that I am not really doing this. Yes, I do have a paramour who is married. However, it is very clear to her and to me that the relationship with her husband was over when we started our affair. How can I possibly be sued when she had no marriage to speak of? I also heard a rumor that maybe alienation of affection is against the United States Constitution. Is there any movement for alienation of affection to be declared unconstitutional? Any help you can give me would ease my pain and my nervousness.
Dear Carolyn,
Hi, how are you? I have a question, my wife and I wanted to spend time with my stepson this summer but the father won’t let her get him. Can he stop her visitation?
Carolyn Answers….
Dear Carolyn,
I have a strange question for you Carolyn. In fact, it is almost unbelievable. My ex-wife and the mother of my precious child constantly fabricates that the child is ill. The child is constantly taken to the doctor with the Mother saying that the child had a fever “last night.” The doctor cannot find a fever. Once the Mother said the child had blood in her urine, and the child had to undergo all these tests and nothing was found. The Mother tried to have the tonsils taken out indicating medical problems that did not exist. The list could go on for the whole page, but I’ll spare further details. The Mother is a nurse, and I don’t understand why she is getting all the medical items regarding my child wrong all the time. I was in a divorce therapy class and someone piped up when I mentioned this: “does she have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy?” This Mother thrives on the attention she (the Mother) gets when our child is sick.
Signed: Crazy, isn’t it?
Dear Readers,
Today’s first Ask Carolyn question is a doozie on alimony. The second one starts a discussion on Revenge Porn in North Carolina.
Dear Carolyn,
Today’s first Ask Carolyn addresses dreading Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who have a great situation, but realize there are those around you for which Mother’s Day may be most stressful. The second question addresses getting on with your life after a relationship break-up.
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Divorce Recovery–this is a topic that is so dear to my heart, and one I have personally experienced. I am empathic to the unsettled souls that walk into my office. My advice–You will be okay after divorce, even if you feel like you won’t be. You could be happier than ever; I am.
One important thing to understand is that divorce, like any loss, is a grieving process. You will go through all the stages–denial, anger, maybe depression, complacency and then back to normalcy. Unfortunately, you and your ex-spouse are usually at different stages; this often makes the process that much harder.
During this recovery process would be an excellent time to seek mental health counseling. Counseling can help ensure you don’t get stuck in any one stage too long. Talking with a counselor can help with things such as finding a new hobby or getting you out of the house. Hobbies are fun and are a great way to keep your mind off your current pain. Plus you now have the time!
In the best interest of the child–these are the magic words in North Carolina and part of our Mission Statement at Woodruff Family Law Group.
It is always best if the parents can agree in either negotiation or mediation; however, that is not always the case. My suggestion is that the parents get on a schedule!
Getting on a schedule is especially important when your child or children are young. If two parents can simply not agree on a schedule and exchanges are becoming unbearable, I would suggest professional and legal help.
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